Thursday, June 19, 2008

malaysian book of records - the unofficial version

by TV Smith

In our never-ending quest to set inane records, many other more profound and weighty achievements may have been overlooked. This week, Dua Sen salutes the unsung and selfless individuals who personify the Malaysia Boleh spirit; the true Bolehans…

Highest Number Of Freeloaders Congregating At One Spot - Nilai, 6th December 2003. 10,000 looters stripped a wholesale outlet bare in 30 minutes, carting away 3000 electrical and household items.

Highest Number Of Persons Not Charged In A Single Theft Case - The owner of the looted shop declined to press charges against the looters, thereby creating a new category for MBR.

Highest Number Of Human Piranhas Gathered At One Spot - 1999 Hari Raya Open House organised by the Kuala Lumpur Tourist Association. Thousands of starving Malaysians wrecked the festive treat for foreign tourists by devouring all available food and drinks in sight, all within 25 seconds.
Highest Number Of People Who Failed Mathematics Gathering Thrice Weekly At One Spot - The gaming shop.
Highest Number Of Road Accidents In The World - 26,662 died in road accidents between the years 1997 to 2002.

Highest Number Of Suggestions Ever Offered - 8,258,235 suggestions and proposals were made regarding the mass carnage problem between the years 1997 to 2002.

Highest Concentration Of Colour-Blind People In One City - Kuala Lumpur. Over 3 million motorcyclists who suffer from this rapidly spreading medical condition are riding through red lights at traffic junctions daily.

Highest Number Of Honorific Titles Awarded In A Single Year - In 2003, 52,987 individuals were conferred titles. 89% of the titles were awarded to newspaper editors, journalists and used car dealers.

Highest Number Of VCD Sellers Per Sq Inch - Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur. In November 2003, the number of individuals peddling VCDs exceeded the number of visitors by 120 to 1.

Highest Number Of Macha Rappers Per Sq Inch - Jalan Telawi 2, Bangsar.

Highest Number Of Sarong Party Girls Per Sq Inch - 3-way-tie: Jln Sultan Ismail / Jln P Ramlee / Jln Telawi 3.

Highest Number Of Pimps Masquerading As Taxi Drivers Per Sq Inch - Jalan P Ramlee, Kuala Lumpur.
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Highest Number Of Taxi Drivers Masquerading As Pimps Per Sq Inch - Jalan P Ramlee, Kuala Lumpur.

Highest Number Of Tables & Chairs Found On A Public Road - A mamak stall in Petaling Jaya placed 46, 899 tables and 166,522 chairs on a road stretching 6 kilometers, beating 10,4657 other roadside stall operators in the area.

Highest Number Of National Institutions Found On A Public Road - Jalan Tun Razak, KL. Within a radius 500m, lies the National Theatre, National Art Gallery, National Blood Bank, National Heart Institute, National Library, National News Agency & National Service Training Department.

Highest Number Of Party People In A Sports Category - Hockey.

Highest Number Of Bankrupts In A Sports Category - Badminton.

Highest Number Of Politicians In A Sports Category - Soccer.

Highest Number Of Absent-Minded Officers In A Sports Category - Shooting.

Youngest Security Guard Ever Hired - Sofian Ahmad, aged 11, is believed to be the youngest security guard hired ever since it became trendy to employ scrawny teenagers as guards.

Oldest Security Guard Ever Hired - Hj Ahmad Hanafi, aged 93, of Wing Onn Goldsmith Shop, Kuala Lumpur.

Best Kept Secret Of 2003 - Top-secret successor of Proton Wira revealed months before launch.

Question Most Often Asked By Tourists - Why is it cheaper to fly to Phuket from KL than to take a cab to KLIA?

Question Most Often Asked By Taxi Drivers - Sir, you want best Thai chicken in KL?

Fastest Response To A Road Accident
- Tow truck driver, Ng Kim Seng of Kepong takes an average of 11.356 seconds to arrive at any accident scene within the Klang Valley. (I think our Fire & Rescue Department should appoint this guy as consultant).

Fastest Improvement In Service (Temporary Status) - Immigration Department (after surprise visit by PM Pak Lah).

Biggest Mass Migration - 1995-1997. During the mass colonisation of Bangsar by white imperialists, 3 million Indians migrated to nearby reservations like Waikiki, Silk and Backyard.

Biggest Scientific Breakthrough - A net was purportedly used to catch a rock the size of a bungalow during the NKVE rockfall.

Most Remarkable Civil Engineering Feat (Pending) - Building of crooked half bridge to Singapore.

Most Remarkable Social Engineering Feat - Forcing Singaporeans to drink Newater.

Most Enterprising Marketeer - Uncle Ho (& friends) for making available M$ Longhorn OS, two years before its official release.

Most Creative Method To Solve KL's Stray Dogs & Cats Problem - Hiring and underfeeding Vietnamese workers.

Most Unique Broadband Service - A Malaysian ISP offers the world's first and only broadband service at 28.8k speed.

Most Sacred Body Parts - The armpit and the belly button. Appearance banned on all local ads & television programs.

Most Feared Body-Related Parts - Sanitary napkins, tampons & condoms. Blanket ban on television ads.

Most Popular Way To Blow $ 20,000 In A Single Day - Taking a full page newspaper ad to thank a minister.

Most Perplexing Unsolved Mystery - Traffic along the Federal Highway slows down to a crawl in front of the Angkasapuri Building for no apparent reasons. This unexplained phenomenon existed since the 70's when the highway was a dusty dual lane road and continues to defy logic, even with the present day 8 lane-highway.

Most Consistent Naming Pattern - Proton. All their models end with an "a". Saga, Iswara, Wira, Putra, Tiara, Satria, Waja, Arena, Juara, Perdana and possibly Sutra for the upcoming model.
*Update: the only exception being the new Proton Ah Beng - the one that's factory fitted with a giant rear air spoiler.

Most Successful Animal Extinction Programme - All 7 rhinos at a captive breeding center died.

Most Successful Stowaway - A man who wanted a free ride to Sabah got more than he bargained for when he sneaked onboard a plane at one of the world's most high-tech airports. He ended up in Bali.

Most Unsuccessful Mass Suicide Attempt - 30,446 villagers from Kampung Muhibbah attempted mass suicide when they discovered at the last minute that a rival village has already attained the record for the world's longest lemang.

Most Unsuccessful Bodeking Attempt* (Pending) - A minister censuring the public for calling the brand new prime minister; Pak Lah. *pending annoucement of new DPM.

Most Synergistic Corporate Merger (Pending) - Star Publications and Coney Shock Absorbers Berhad. The Saturday edition of The Star is believed to have damaged the shock absorbers and suspension system of thousands of lorries and motorcycles transporting the 10 kg + paper.

Most Unique Top Level Domain Name (Pending) - It is rumoured that the government is planning to issue a new top level domain name in honour of a Malaysian swimmer; com.mydin

© 2003 TV SMITH
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