Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I just caught up with a friend's blog recently. Before this, it was very vibrant and full of images. Now, its just plain and stripped down. What happened is stated below:
It has been more than a year since I started dissing people who were on my friends list. About time because I was just sick and tired of them draining my energy. The more I snapped or hinted on their behaviour, the more I realised it was pointing back at me. I was the one allowing them to create unnecessary dramas in my life. So, I decided to pull the brakes and let them pass by.
Funny thing is, as soon as I pulled the brakes, everything stopped too. I lost it all. I stopped writing, I stopped taking photographs, I stopped sharing my thoughts ... Have I stopped thinking or what? I dunno. I went into a lot of soul searching to start afresh, to put thoughts onto paper. I thought maybe by reading lots of these motivational materials out there, I would somehow strike something and find some inspiration to write. Write about matters that I can relate to. I guess I was searching too hard. It was all infront of my eyes. It's got nothing to do with my thoughts, I just didn't want to share my feelings with anyone anymore. I just didn't want to be an open book anymore. I didn't want to share my feelings because some people whom I have had the chance to know and at a later stage became my friends suddenly claims to know me very well just by reading my blog. This privilege of knowing me somehow went out of hand to the extent that it was used at the expense of my privacy. Hence, I had to put a halt to all these unnecessary self inflicted stress.
There are times when it feels that it is so quiet out here. But that's ok. I am optimistic that it is for the better. That is what I thought. Well, logic saved the day but you can't have it all can you? I pulled my brakes on every aspects of life that I loved sharing before this. I lost my passion for writing and photography simply because I no longer wanted to share my emotions and feelings. I guess it is now time to release the brakes. Time to get moving and share with the rest of the world again.
I was like that before. There was a time where I was in pre university, and I was the class rep. I was trying very hard to be popular, doing all the crazy things 18 year olds would do after getting out of secondary school with my classmates. It was a great time, a crazy time.
But 6 months later, I reallised that everyone was very superficial in their friendships (I mean,most of us are, isn't it?). We say 'Hi' and 'Bye' while smiling at each other although we actually feel like crap, and say "Everything's okay" when people ask "How's life". We give vague and general answers so that people won't know too much about us. We're afraid to expose our vulnerabilities, because it implies weakness.
I've shared a lot of things on this blog, about my own thoughts, feelings, and whatever I'd like to write at that moment in time. It's just that not many people read them. Even if they do, its just a fleeting moment, and life goes on. I appreciate those who actually take the time to read, although they're silent readers and don't comment much.
Will I pull the plug one day? I hope not. I've spent a lot of time and energy to maintain this 'digital journal'. I just hope that it will still exist online long after I've passed on. Perhaps my descendants will still be able to access http://brandoneu.blogspot.com/ one day and see what their great grandfather / grand uncle wrote when he was still walking on this earth, and [hopefully] appreciate the photos that he took back then.
Posted by brandon at 12:02 pm